Dr. Komarovsky about what to do if the child is fighting with his parents
Crumbs always touches their parents. For one toothless smile, much is forgiven them. But not all. And for the time being. Some parents are not faced with the behavior of the child they dreamed of. The kid at a certain age begins to beat his mom and dad. Yevgeny Komarovsky tells about what to do if the kid is fighting, and moreover with the closest ones.
Why is this happening
Fight kids express their accumulated aggression. The first attempts to do this, many mothers notice in six months. The child still does not know how to speak, but already perfectly knows how to bend the back with a "wheel" and screaming frantically and quite angrily if something is not on his side. A little later, children can begin to pinch. After a year the baby can do great bite, and the one-year-old crumb does it not out of malice, but because he is still not able to cope with negative emotions adequately.
The most “problematic” protest age begins at 2 years old, closer to three years. Here, even quiet and calm earlier children can begin to show aggression and irritability.
However, a three-year-old fighter, who is used to solving problems with his teeth and fists, both at home and in kindergarten, should alert parents more seriously. Only one age stage and disorderly conduct does not explain aggression in 2-3 years. This is usually a lack of speech development, which makes it difficult to find words to describe your feelings, a chronic lack of attention from adults, and sometimes symptoms of a nervous or psychiatric disorder.
Psychologists are almost unanimous - the main cause of children's unconscious aggression is the irritability of parents, first of all, mothers. According to statistics that children's psychologists have, four out of ten children at least once tried to use force against their relatives, in half of the cases the problem became catastrophic when the child became a real tyrant in his family.
Most often, the parents of such aggressive children complain that the baby bites, spits, and beats adults and even throws various objects that come to hand.
Komarovsky about the problem
The authoritative children's doctor Yevgeny Komarovsky saw such children in his practice, and more than once. He categorically disagrees with the statement of psychologists that you need to be patient and peacefully admonish the little tyrant and convince him (in words!) That "mom and grandmother hurt."
All aspects of child aggression will be discussed with Dr. Komarovsky in the next video.
Soft and democratic pedagogical measures in this situation do not work., says Yevgeny Olegovich. And if they work, then in exceptional cases. This is because aggression is nothing but an instinct, one of the most powerful ancient human instincts. And with the instincts of any pedagogical methods to fight it is impossible.
In most situations with little fighters, only one thing works: the answer is identical. No manifestation of child aggression should not be ignored by the parents; an adult “victim” should immediately respond to every bite or blow.
If bitten, Komarovsky advises to bite in response, if struck - do the same. Naturally, adults need to measure the strength, but the answer should not be too benign either, since the child must understand from his own experience what it is that is painful and insulting.
Moreover, Evgeny Olegovich advises mothers to console the screaming or whimpering child as little as possible after this “identical answer”.
If you are interested in the question of how to cope with an unmanaged child, see the next issue of Dr. Komarovsky on this topic.
Yevgeny Komarovsky emphasizes that a reciprocal, necessarily controlled aggression cannot speak about the lack of a mother’s love for the child, and even vice versa.
If you love him a lot, you hardly want to grow a pathological personality with a sense of your own impunity and permissiveness.
Important
Outside of a conflict situation in which you, according to Komarovsky’s method, gave a tough rebuff to a small aggressor, the behavior towards the child should not change. Mom should remain all the same kind and affectionate, ready to always come to the rescue. Then, according to the well-known pediatrician, another very useful instinct will begin to form - he will learn to respect the elders and strong, he will understand that it is better not to provoke pain reactions, and also to draw a parallel between his pain from your bite and your aggression.
Gradually, attacks on adults and peers will become less and less, and then completely disappear and will be forgotten.
Other ways to wean aggression
Psychologists offer many techniques. Some are based on deletion. If the baby has bitten mother, she simply stops communicating with him and distances herself. And so every time a negative appears from the side of the child.
Almost all social pedagogues and psychologists of children's profile agree that a child from an early age should be taught to “pronounce” his negative. "It saddens me, because ...", "I feel very sad, because ...".
In especially difficult cases, when children not only fight, but also scream hysterically, throw objects, break dishes and furniture, it is better to contact a specialist for a joint search for a solution. Sometimes a child needs medical care.
P.S
Yevgeny Komarovsky does not undertake to analyze all the reasons that push children to aggression towards the most dear people, but he points out that in 99% of cases this is not about mental illness, but about the shortcomings of upbringing. In families where the parents treat the child reasonably and moderately strictly, inadequate incidents involving the child almost never happen.
