Causes and features of children's jealousy. What should parents do?

Children can be very jealous. Everybody knows this, and in relation to adults who are overly jealous, they often use the “like children” comparison. Mechanisms for the development of child jealousy are very complex, not like adults. And to underestimate children's jealousy, to ignore it in any way is impossible, since it can cause deep emotional trauma, which will manifest later when the child becomes an adult.

Why and how children are jealous and what to do to parents in a given situation, we will tell in this article.

Children's jealousy is always caused by the fear of being unloved, unprotected. In childhood, the trees seem large, and the troubles - insurmountable, the world for the toddler begins with the mother and is mainly limited to it. Until a certain age, mother is the main guarantor of security, a source of love and tenderness, which children need no less than food and water, in their sleep and games. Fear of losing at least a fraction of this love of the main person for the baby and generates jealousy.

Do not think that kids perceive a loved one as a property, it is more common for adult jealousy. The mechanism of development of negative reactions in children is usually different: first, there is bewilderment about why and from where someone came to whom mother pays attention. Inability due to age and lack of life experience to explain everything to oneself and give answers to the tormenting questions is transformed into a psychological rejection of the situation. If the situation does not disappear, it begins protest, which can be both open and take the form of a severe internal conflict.

The baby cannot quickly adapt to the new conditions of existence. But he cannot exist in them either. Because of this, his conflict begins not with himself, but with others. His behavior is changing, he is trying in every way to return the old order of things, familiar and familiar, trying to attract the attention of his mother.

Jealous children begin very early. The first such reactions can be seen already in children aged 10-11 months., it is at this age that the child begins to protest if mom suddenly begins to approach other children or dad at the very moment when he needs his mother's presence. After one and a half years, children become big owners, this can be seen in their attitude to their toys and the prospects for sharing them with another child.

After two years, children acquire the ability to slightly restrain their emotions and jealousy, but from that moment jealousy becomes especially dangerous.as the baby transfers its experiences deep inside its soul. The biggest jealous children in the world are children from 2 to 5 yearsIt is at this age that the need to be loved and any encroachment on his personal source of love are perceived extremely painfully.

Children of any age are jealous jealousy can be the most destructive of allbecause the big child is already able to give answers to some questions, but these answers are clearly not suitable for him.

Why you should not hope that the child will “go crazy”, outgrow its jealousy and deliberately ignore it? The answer is quite simple - the anger that he feels, as well as the fear that he owns, together can become a solid basis for the development of mental disorder. A considerable percentage of phobias, paranoid disorders, according to experienced psychiatrists, have deep, "childish" roots, and are based precisely on the very, destructive childish jealousy.

It is she who can force out all the positive things that a child needs to form a personality, and then a very cruel and cynical adult can grow out of a suffering baby who was not spared in time, accepted and misunderstood; in this world.

In all cases, when an internal conflict is unresolved in childhood, complexes are formed that already in adolescence, and later in adulthood, significantly complicate the existence: there are difficulties with self-identification, it is difficult for a person to maintain relationships, achieve heights in the professional sphere, various deviations in sexual behavior can develop relationship, a person becomes a pathological jealous man, with whom it is not only impossible but also dangerous to live under one roof.

The main reason that causes children's jealousy - dramatically changed external circumstances that change the order of relationships in the family. Most often it is the birth of a brother or sister. If the child is not properly prepared for the appearance of a new man, if he was not made an “accomplice” and assistant during the pregnancy, then bewilderment at the sight of the squeeze bundle brought from the maternity hospital will very quickly turn into hatred for his younger brother or sister, because he will demand more attention from mom.

Predict the possibility of its occurrence is impossible.

Second popular the situation in which the child begins to be jealous is associated with changes in the personal life of the parent. If the child lived with his mother, and a new adult appears - the beloved mother, no matter how good a person he is, the child is more or less jealous of his mother for this man. A daughter can be jealous of her mother for a new husband, no less than a little son.

The spirit of rivalry in childhood is very important., it allows kids to master the methods of achieving goals and striving for better results; many children's games are based on it, but it is he who can become the main jealousy if parents pay more, as it seems, to other people's children: so they are jealous of their nephews, children of friends, neighbors children. Children's jealousy can be very diverse.

Children, unlike adults, do not have a large "assortment" of selected reactions, and therefore most often act as follows.

• The child shows his helplessness. Even if he knew how to put on shoes, to dress, then suddenly he “forgets” all the skills and urgently requires help from his mother. Most often, the jealousy of an older child to a newborn is manifested, since, by the logic of a child, becoming as helpless as a baby, he will again receive the comprehensive attention of his mother.
• The child becomes hostile. Aggression and rejection directed at the object, which turned attention.This happens at the birth of the second child, with the new marriage of a single parent. The baby refuses to communicate with a new family member; if we are talking about a newborn, then jealousy can acquire quite dangerous features: the eldest child can inflict injuries, bruises, burns to the younger one.
• Sudden behavior change. If the baby was mobile and inquisitive and suddenly became closed and unsociable, it is likely that his jealousy proceeds in a dangerous hidden form.

• Physiological changes. A child, even at the age of 7–9 years old, may suddenly begin to write in a dream, his sleep, appetite are disturbed, existing diseases become aggravated, neurological or other disorders appear. Psychosomatic components are diverse. Most often, a child who does not want to see a new person in the family, be it the new wife of the father or the new husband of the mother or the youngest child, begins to suffer from diseases of the organs of sight and hearing, he often has otitis, there are signs of decreased visual acuity. In the second place are diseases of the gastrointestinal tract, kidneys.

Especially it is necessary to dwell on the Oedipal complex and the Electra complex. In the first case, the son is jealous of his mother's father or stepfather, in the second - the daughter is jealous of his father for a new wife or even his own mother. Both of these complexes are manifestations of unconscious love for a member of the opposite sex, from which a completely correct sexual orientation will be formed at one time. The age of onset of such complexes is 2–6 years, after the sixth anniversary, children strive to already be like the parents of their own sex.

Of course, preventive psychotherapy is the best choice. Before the birth of the second child, you need to prepare an older one: show him his own photos during infancy, talk about how his brother or sister grows in his mother’s tummy, consult with the firstborn about the choice of bed and stroller, toys and clothes for the crumbs. The more the child feels self-worth, the better.

Tell us that he is kind and good, that he is already very much looking forward to this meeting and is dreaming of meeting you. Optimally, if a child meets a future stepfather and establishes a primary relationship before a decision is made on cohabitation of adults.

If the preparation was not carried out, and jealousy could not be avoided, the following psychologist's advice will help.

• Ask the older child to help you, show how important his participation in the care of the baby may be, but do not turn the child into a babysitter. Gradually, the elder will love the younger one with all his heart, but for now let him help him give a pacifier or a baby cream to roll the pram.

• Find every day even if only an hour, but only for the older child. Read, draw together, watch cartoons or film, just walk along the street together. It is very important not to skimp on expressing your love for him.
• More often organize joint leisure, in which there is a place for all family members: a joint trip to the cinema, a picnic, a hike, a trip to the sea. Do it together.
• Do not try to appease the child with gifts, depriving him of attention. Take his experiences seriously, encourage pronouncing, let the kid talk about his feelings. Be a good listener.
• Firmly stop attempts to show any aggression. This is the case when there are no compromises.

In their responses, the parents indicate that children of the same age compete the most. Their jealousy does not begin when the mother returns from the hospital, but later, when both begin to identify their place in the family and the heart of their mother. The rivalry can be very tough.

Experienced parents are not advised to punish the child for the pranks he does in a fit of jealousy, but it is impossible to pity him, thus encouraging protest moods. Best of all, if the exact same parent whose favor the child achieves. Then the kid will quite quickly understand that bad deeds do not add “glasses” to his mother’s eyes at all, and he will start looking for other ways out.

On how to prepare the older child for the appearance of the baby - the following video.