What if children are jealous of each other's parents?

Calm mom, joyful dad, children with happy faces ... Such an image of a family is usually presented to us with posters, billboards, photos on the Internet and magazines. But is the life of the family so ideal, where the second (third, etc.) child appeared? Not always the older child is happy to have a younger brother or sister born. He does not want to share the love and care of his parents with someone else. He begins to be jealous, and this childish jealousy is adult-destructive. Everybody suffers - both parents and the little jealous man himself.

This problem is not contrived, it concerns the majority of families with children. What to do if something like this happens to you? Can you prevent child jealousy and how to achieve this?

Jealousy is an extremely destructive feeling, and children's jealousy is doubly destructive.

Most often she appears in guys who have not yet turned 5 years old. The kid used to be in the center of attention, he sincerely believes that he is the most important in the family, and therefore the appearance of a newborn, around which the whole life of the parents immediately begins to spin, hurts the first-born child to the most vulnerable place. He ceases to feel safe. The child develops fears.

Manifestations of jealousy at the birth of the second and subsequent children in an older baby can manifest themselves in the form of frequent whims, aggression directed at the newborn and at adults. At the firstborn the level of anxiety increases, disturbances of appetite and sleep can be fixed. Some particularly impressionable babes become closed. Less often - older children "fall into childhood", regress, begin to lisp and ask for a pacifier, rattles, or even begin to write again in the pants.

• When planning a second child, listen to the desires of your first child. Optimally, if he also wants to replenish the family and wait for a brother or sister with you. A conscious desire to take care of someone else in children appears by the age of 4-5. For this reason, experts do not recommend have a second child before this deadline. The optimum for the full adoption of the "youngest" is the age of 5-6 years. However, even the sincere desire of the first child to have a brother or sister does not guarantee the complete absence of jealousy. It may develop unexpectedly.
• The first child should be involved in all matters related to the early birth of the crumbs. Let him participate on an equal footing in the selection of baby clothes for a newborn, in the purchase of a stroller, and in collecting a crib. Sharing expectation with parents significantly reduces the likelihood of jealousy in a child.

• When the second child is born, it is not necessary to forbid the elder to take him in his arms (strictly under your control!), To take care of the crumbs. The eldest child can provide quite substantial assistance to the mother - to give diapers, diapers and powder, to swing the baby in the stroller. Do not underestimate the possibility of the firstborn! But they do not need to be abused either.
• Do not turn an older child into a nanny for a younger one! Of course, mom gets tired, she needs help, but it is stupid and selfish to force a child to give up his own interests and affairs in order to make life easier for his parents. Take help from the firstborn only when he himself expresses a desire to provide it.Making the elder watch out for the younger is the surest way to create child jealousy.
• Always, every day, regardless of the weather, employment, or well-being, find at least 1 hour in order to spend it with an older child alone. This can be a walk, watching a movie, drawing or reading. The main thing is to do it together!

• In your family, as in the judicial system of Russia, the “presumption of innocence” must be strictly observed. In other words, mom and dad need to be objective and fair to all children equally. Any imbalance or indulgence in favor of one and the tightening of measures against the other will immediately cause an outbreak of childish jealousy, which will then be difficult to repay.
• Do not rush to write older in adult! Often we say to the first-born child after the birth of the second child: “You're an adult now! You are the eldest, and therefore must ... " Answer yourself honestly, with what kind of joys are the yesterday's little tot suddenly become so adult? And why did he suddenly become something to someone? He remained the same as an ordinary child. Do not change your attitude towards him!

More typical situations are understood in the following program, where experienced psychologist Natalia Kholodenko gives advice to parents.

No matter how mom and dad prepare for the possible manifestations of childish jealousy, she usually takes adults by surprise. And they are not always able to adequately respond. First of all, it is important to remember that there is no need to fear child jealousy, since it is quite natural for children and is an important component of its inner “I”.

Boys are more jealous. Girls have a more developed instinct to take care of someone, they take the youngest faster and less aggressively need attention and affection. The boys are jealous selflessly, headlong into this process. The greatest risk of child jealousy between same-sex children.

Do not punish the eldest child, even if jealousy got him quite far - he offends the younger, takes away his toys. Punishment in this situation will, of course, well deserved, but only complicate the situation.

It is best to talk with the firstborn heart to heart, to tell him what he feels, but he cannot express in words himself: what emotions he owns, why it is difficult for him to accept the crumb. Try to make an agreement with the older one, according to which he will not harm the baby, and you undertake to pay more attention to the first child.

And remember that you can’t completely overcome children's jealousy, but You can reduce it and reduce the number of its manifestations, if you apply more love and care. Yes, and the child’s jealousy itself needs to learn to experience, and not to hide, the ability to properly “civilize” jealously will be useful to him in adulthood.

• You can not force the older child to "love" the baby. Every feeling has its time. Brotherly love will surely come, but not the fact that it is now, and certainly not at the request of the parents.
• In no case can not compare children with each other! They are different. Accept this as a fait accompli and never emphasize the dignity of one baby as a reproach to the second.
• Tell the firstborn often that his mother loves him very much, and with the birth of her second child, nothing in this love has changed.
• Adopt the principle "Eight hugs". To feel loved and needed, the child needs at least 8 hugs during the day.
• The most dangerous child jealousy - hidden. Externally, you may not notice its manifestations, but the tension that will accumulate inside the child can cause quite tangible diseases at the physical level.

• Encourage toy sharing between children, if the age difference is small. Teach them to share. If the brothers-sisters are fighting hard for the right to own this or that toy, declare that all the toys in the house are now "mother's." And give them to your children at your discretion.
• Often emphasize that the baby loves his older brother (sister) very much. Pay attention to the first-born to the way a crumb looks at him adoringly. Exaggerate or deceive you just do not have to, because all the kids really idolize their older brothers and sisters.
• If the child began to regress and demands to give him the breast, as the youngest, to take him on the handles, if he began to “encroach” on the baby’s rattles, offer him a pacifier, wrap him in a diaper, while forbid it to eat apples and cakes, because “it is impossible for little ones”. The elder will quickly realize that being a baby is extremely unprofitable and “will return to his age” back.
• No need to give things to the older child to the younger, if the "big" against. A crib or stroller is better to buy a new one than to take it away from an older child. After all, for him it will be painful and very offensive. Inherit things only with the consent of the older child.

• Learn to divide everything between children, absolutely everything. This applies to candy, and their attention. If you have kissed one baby, immediately kiss the second one. If you took one in your arms, hug or sit on the knees of the second.
• Do not give the second toddler affectionate nicknames and names, which you called the eldest child in infancy. "Karasik", "Puhlik" or "Bear" in the family can be only one. The older child is not ready to give his second name to the baby. Pick up the second child a new affectionate nickname. My three-year-old son was quite jealous of his newborn brother. It was possible to reconcile them, including with the help of gentle names. First we always had "Pie with cabbage". Secondly, we called "Pie with jam." It kind of equalizes the little ones, and at the same time, everyone feels his individuality.
• No matter how similar the brothers and sisters, remember that they are still different. That is why they need different sections, circles. If each child does his own thing, to which he has abilities and interest, then the competition between children will be reduced to a minimum.
• Infrequently, but there is also reverse jealousy - the younger child begins to be jealous of his mother for the older one. It is much easier to smooth out such jealousy, because the majority of babies still perceive older brothers and sisters as another parent.

From the following video you will receive some more valuable tips for finding a compromise between children.

Help the jealous man cope with surging feelings can be with the help of fairy tale therapy. The child will be easier and more understandable if you explain to him the essence of what is happening on the example of your favorite fairy tale characters.

If jealousy begins with the first days after discharge from the hospital, the father can provide substantial assistance. He is able to help cope with the newborn, and mom will get extra time to be alone with the firstborn. But “to fade away” the elder to the grandparents is a pernicious practice. Launched by the older generation, your first child will feel even more miserable, abandoned and deprived.

For example, all well-known "daughters-mothers". My jealous and harmful three-year-old gladly played in the "polyclinic" and treated his plush company. And then I offered him to play doctor with his little brother, and let him anoint his hands with a baby cream or sprinkle with powder on his bottom.

Art therapy is excellent in correcting jealous behavior. Suggest the elder to draw what he and his little brother (or sister) will become in the future. Unleash the imagination, and help the kid to write a fairy tale about these drawn characters. Focus on the fact that they were helped to overcome difficulties and troubles because the brothers were always together and helped each other out. Always, when you see a positive example of brotherly-sister relations, show these examples to the eldest child. He should form a stable understanding that the youngest child is not only consumers of mother's time and attention, but also an excellent company for himself in the future and the best, closest friend of him for the rest of his life.

The following video discusses common mistakes that parents make with the appearance of their second child in the family.

Most often in conflicts between children, when kids grow up almost enemies, parents are guilty. See the next video for more details.